does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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