I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
