I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
