Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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