Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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