dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
