you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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