There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
