True but thats because hes a fetus.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
