awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
