I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
