i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
