Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
