I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
this boner is exhausting
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
