I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
