I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
