so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
