First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
