I met the friendliest cop last night
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
How does one acquire holy water?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
