i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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