i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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