You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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