I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
