I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
