worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have aggressive nipples.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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