my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
