Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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