You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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