I think I died a long time ago.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
