Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
