hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
