Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
