And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
