dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
