she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
