Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
