Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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