dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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