he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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