This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i love accidental penises.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize