people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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