So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
