My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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