Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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