Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
