as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
