my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
