Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
