I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This house was built for laser tag.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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