After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
