So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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