Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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