I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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