i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
