K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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