def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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