Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize