I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My vagina is very pro this idea
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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