Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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