Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Randomize
