I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
