I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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