Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
