I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
